The Birds and the Biebs

BY STEFANIE FELDMAN

In the past I have been wary to make fun of pop culture trends. I felt that it was not my place to denigrate the interests of others, thinking that to do so would be a tad condescending, even obnoxious. I know I wouldn’t feel so hot if people went around jibing me just because I liked a certain franchise. Lord knows I’d sucker punch anybody who speaks ill of Harry Potter. I left “Twilight” alone and never cracked wise at Snooki or Miley.

But Justin Bieber has awakened in me the overwhelming human desire to mock that which I know is utterly ridiculous. I harbor a deep, physiological need to belittle the pop culture icon. It causes me actual physical pain to hold in the snark. I mean, you guys, he flips his hair. And it doesn’t help that because of that infamous hairstyle he can only ever really hold his head tilted to one side.

Regardless, girls all over the world have caught what is being popularly called “Bieber Fever” for the 17-year-old music phenomenon. And the Biebs is popular not merely for his silky smooth song stylings, but rather the unprecedented level of crazy that he brings out in a previously normal, high functioning member of society. Grown women weep at his pseudo-feminine, man-child sexiness.

I have a few friends who genuinely enjoy Bieber’s music. When they approached me to come and see his new movie concert, I winced inside but then reconsidered. The film could be a valuable learning experience, after all: a foray into the psychological mindset of a true Belieber. With a deep, deep breath I fought the bile rising up in my throat and told them to preorder my ticket.

With this experience, I have come to realize an undeniable universal truth about the issue at hand. Justin Bieber is not a fever after all. No, my friends. He is a BTI: a Biebually Transmitted Infection (formerly known as a BTD before the ).

Allow me to explain.

I experienced some initial shock at the anguished shrieks that greeted us upon entering the theater (“Is that girl OK? Should I get help?”) and rolled my eyes gratuitously when I learned that this director’s cut of Bieber’s concert tour would be shown to us in 3D. I looked behind me at the rest of the seats in the theater and saw an army of pre-adolescent girls wearing far too much lip gloss and sporting the nerdy black 3D glasses. The lights began to dim and I settled back in my seat. Bieber began to rap throughout the opening credits. Oh, dear lord, give me strength.

To my horror, I found myself gradually developing a sort of Stockholm Syndrome, surrounded in the dark by giggling girls in excessive body glitter. I tried in vain not to bob my head or tap my feet at his catchy jams, but I was failing to stifle the impulse. Somehow, without my consent, he had become … somewhat … charming. WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME?

The movie ended and I felt empowered after that last rendition of “Never Say Never”. Previously this tune made me want to throttle small animals. Something was wrong here. Oh, so very wrong.

I am not proud of my affliction. And you must understand, I do not act this way of my own free will. I have a serious condition. For the sake of scientific curiosity, I exposed myself openly to an infection without fully thinking of the consequences of allowing my ears to be violated with a constant barrage of Bieber. I did not know that this would happen. Now I have caught the contagion of this epidemic.

Alas, it is too late for me now. I cannot un-see or un-hear what I have endured for those 112 fateful minutes.

After a time you become resigned to the fact that there is no known cure for a BTI if left undiagnosed for this long. The only surefire cure I can think of is lobotomy, and those can just get so darn messy.

Then, after years of being saddled with the unfortunate condition, your BTI finally drives you insane, but not before you have spread it on to countless others, albeit not necessarily knowingly.

Please, I implore you, take heed of what I have told you here today. Earplugs are only $2.99 at CVS. So for the love of God, use protection.

*this article was written before he cut his hair and gave it to charity which was actually pretty nice of him.

Bieber, fever Issue 7, Print, Print Archives, Views