13,500 feet high, zero fear

It was a spontaneous decision.

Late one night—I might have been incoherent from sleep deprivation—the thought occurred to me: Why not try skydiving for my birthday? The legal age minimum is eighteen years old. I pitched the idea to my parents over the railing from the second floor of the house while they were intently watching their “Dancing with the Stars” episode. They laughed in my face, and I took that as a challenge.

After they agreed, I forgot about it. I came up with the idea a month before my birthday. The reality of the task never settled into my brain.  I refused to let myself even think about it or bring it up in conversation because I did not want to deal with the possibility of being afraid and backing out of it.

It  was totally not a big deal. Not a big deal when we arrived early in the morning to Sky Orange, the business location. Not a big deal when I slipped on the suit and had my gear strapped on tight. Not even a big deal when I waved to my parents goodbye and was connected to my instructor.

It was not a big deal for me until I was 13,500 feet high in the air in a tiny plane, strapped to a very tall Argentinean man named Mario who I had met about ten minutes prior after a five minute training session with another stranger and who was suddenly scooting closer to an open, terrifying door while yelling muffled commands that involved the safety of my life in my ear. It was a little late for doubts, I realized then.

All I could think was: What the hell am I doing?

I wish I could have articulated deeper thoughts at that moment, but that’s all I came up with. I didn’t have to form words to honestly question myself, my life, my decision. There were no answers. I remember tasting fear. I think my lungs were even shaking.

Standing before the open door, I felt the air outside want to engulf me in a powerful embrace. The sky had become a raging ocean. My instructor asked if I was ready and without an answer began to sway back and forth in a 1-2-3 rhythm.

I don’t think the actual experience of skydiving changed me—it was the acceptance of allowing risk in my life. If I can jump out of a plane and live, I can do anything, right? I was ready.

So I jumped into the sky.

I can do anything now.

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